No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
