I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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