How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
no. you can't hotbox the world.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
