so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
