Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
