I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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