I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
