Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
