Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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