I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
