Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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