You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
