I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
