I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
