my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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