I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
