Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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