okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
