Soap is not a condiment
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
