Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
