Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
