I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.