I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
