Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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