dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
