I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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