I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
