I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
