i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
