I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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