i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize