Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
