if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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