God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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