You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
