apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
