and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
