he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
