I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
