Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
