My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
