make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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