I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
