If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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