just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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