Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
