im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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