I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
