well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
