How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
