If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
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Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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