I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The feeling are messing with the penis
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
