I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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