Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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