hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
