i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
